NOTICE

Forget the Snuggies, Guys want Mankets!

Courtesy of pictureisunrelated.com

How to Properly Fold a Cat

Lolcat Attempt #1

Click here to vote for it!

Zombie Emergency Procedure

[Eat Liver via Monte]

Starbucks' Great Lesson

Time stood still last night when every Starbucks across the nation shut down at 5 PM. Well this morning we finally found out what the wonderful god-like baristas learned, as quoted from one celestial coffee server:

"...We basically got paid to come in and do nothing for a few hours which was fine... until I got hungry. Then it sucked. We could have learned all that in five minutes at the begging (sic) of a shift. Because 'Don't serve a drink that you know is going to taste like crap' is a pretty easy guideline to follow. Although that would preclude us from serving the new Honey Latte, which tastes exactly like burned milk. What I don't get is who really cares that Starbucks closed for three hours? If you think the coffee is shit then... great it shouldn't have affected you. If you love it so much that you angrily bang on the door for a half hour... you need to discover internet porn or something." [source]

If they had only taught these techniques in preschool, there'd be no crime.

Since When...

...is watermelon a citrus fruit?

Mmm...

It sounded good up to a point...

Take-out menu from Dr. Deli in Van Nuys.

Nothing Like a Good First Date...

25 Ways You Know You've Grown Up

Or "How to Know When You're Old"
source

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh Shit! What the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

[Editor's note: Yay! Some of them still apply to me! Whoo hoo!]

Verify This Word, Punk!

When asked to switch to the new Blogger Beta, I was asked to enter in this letter combination to verify my account.

Oh yeah? Is that how you wanna play??

12 Uses for Toothpaste

(the regular-flavored, white type of toothpaste)

*Polish silverware, silver, or gold. Toothpaste will shine up silver and gold. Rinse thoroughly.

*Clean piano keys. Squeeze paste on a damp cloth. Rub the keys well, wipe dry, and buff with a soft, dry cloth. After all, ivory is made from an elephant's tusk.

*Remove ink spots from cloth. Squeeze paste on spot, scrub, and rinse thoroughly.

*Dry up acne pimples. Dab on pimples as you would use Clearasil.

*Remove crayon from walls. Brush the marks with toothpaste on an old toothbrush.

*Remove scratches on glassware. Polish with a dollop of Colgate.

*Deodorize smelly hands. Squeeze an inch of tootpaste into your palm and wash hands under running water.

*Remove Kool-aid moustaches from kids' faces. Rub on and rinse thoroughly.

*Remove tar from the bottom of bare feet. Squeeze on feet and rub.

*Deodorize "sour" baby bottles. Scrub with paste and a bottle brush.

*Remove scuffs on shoes. Apply with a tissue, rub, and wipe off.

*Fill small holes in walls. Use a small dab as emergency spackling to fill in small holes in plaster walls. Let dry before painting.

[Joey Green's Wacky Uses]

Hell's Kitchen Hath No Fury

So the season finale of Hell's Kitchen was last night, and it was good. But I miss Gordon Ramsay already. No one screams "Where's the LAMB SAUCE??!!" quite like he does.

So to fill the void of Ramsay's explosive temper in my life, I'm going to go on a Ramsay-page:

If I don't like the guy I'm on a date with, I'll just call him a "fat ass f*&%."

When the Starbucks barista glares at me for ordering my mocha wrong, I'll now refer to her as a "fat-mouthed @#$% cow."

When my hairdresser stops to talk on his cellphone while cutting my hair, I shall now call him a "bloody Muppet sh#@$head."

And when I'm stuck behind a slow driver, I'll yell at him to try a non-stick stick shift, because - after all - "that's why they call it non-stick!!!!"

Just a Thought

I just saw a dead pigeon in the middle of the road, and I couldn't help but hear George Costanza's voice ringing in my ears: "We had a deal!"

My Mom Felt Like Responding...

RULES FOR KEEPING COOL DURING A HEAT WAVE
(From a California Girl):

Rule #1. DO complain about how hot it is. It makes you feel better admitting how miserable you are and sharing the misery.

Rule #2. As much as possible, do talk about it! That's how you find out how others cope with the heat.

Rule #3. Go to the Mall. It's so cool there and shopping is so therapeutic.

Rule #4. Go to the movies and wear something cute.

Rule #5. Turn on your air conditioning or all of your fans and sit next to an ice cold pitcher of margaritas. AAAHHHH!

This is so typical of my parents' relationship...my dad's all about suffering in silence, my mom is all about commiseration.

I love my parents.

Just Had to Vent...

A little tip...before you pass on rumors and other crap through email, check it up on Snopes, yo.

Kel Mitchell is NOT dead. Now leave the poor guy to his Jamba Juice.

Thursday Thoughts

Advice of the Day:
Boys or men who are balding or have receding hairlines should not attempt the faux-hawk.

Smells the Same, Does the Same Job:

Bath & Body Works© Sweepea Shower Gel
= 10 fl. oz. at $9.50

Suave Naturals© Sweepea & Violet Body Wash
= 12 fl. oz. at $3.79

New to My 'To Do' List:
Invent a cute and clever word for a mutt like Labradoodle, Puggle, or Chiweenie, and then buy one and be trendy.

This Proves My Point

Heather Locklear with David Spade...
Jessica Simpson with Dane Cook...
and remember when Jim Carrey and Lauren Holly were dating?
Or when Bobcat Goldthwait was engaged to Nikki Cox (she's now dating Jay Mohr)?

This proves what I've been saying for a loooong time: the number one turn-on for girls is a great sense of humor.

...And the number one turn-on for guys is a super-hot girl.

[Picture ganked from Just Jared]

If You Were Stranded on a Desert Island...

I watched the Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest red carpet last night on E! Network. The most frustrating thing about the whole show was the questions these show hosts were asking the stars at the movie premiere. Examples:

To Kiera Knightley: Who's a better kisser, Orlando or Johnny?
To Lauren Conrad of "The Hills": Who's a better pirate: Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook, or Captain Morgan?
To Orlando Bloom: Where's Kate (his girlfriend)?
To Johnny Depp: Which is harder - practicing the stunts or doing the stunts?

and the stupidest -
To Christina Applegate: Are you an Arnold Schwarzenegger fan? (asked because Arnold was behind her on the carpet. But the relevance to the movie premiere was...?)

These show hosts were asking questions that a 13-year-old girl would ask. During algebra class. In a slam book.

Grow up, E!

Drinking Coffee is Good!

A study proves that "drinking coffee cuts alcohol's harmful effects. Just a cup a day helps prevent cirrhosis of the liver, researchers say."

Coffee may counteract alcohol’s poisonous effects on the liver and help prevent cirrhosis, researchers say.

In a study of more than 125,000 people, one cup of coffee per day cut the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis by 20 percent. Four cups per day reduced the risk by 80 percent. The coffee effect held true for women and men of various ethnic backgrounds.

Good thing I bought that Coffee Bean mocha this morning!