Time stood still last night when every Starbucks across the nation shut down at 5 PM. Well this morning we finally found out what the wonderful god-like baristas learned, as quoted from one celestial coffee server:
"...We basically got paid to come in and do nothing for a few hours which was fine... until I got hungry. Then it sucked. We could have learned all that in five minutes at the begging (sic) of a shift. Because 'Don't serve a drink that you know is going to taste like crap' is a pretty easy guideline to follow. Although that would preclude us from serving the new Honey Latte, which tastes exactly like burned milk. What I don't get is who really cares that Starbucks closed for three hours? If you think the coffee is shit then... great it shouldn't have affected you. If you love it so much that you angrily bang on the door for a half hour... you need to discover internet porn or something." [source]
If they had only taught these techniques in preschool, there'd be no crime.