Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Bartending 101: James Bond is a Pussy

Every Tuesday, I will be reposting "vintage" posts that had previously only appeared on the now-defunct blog SorryIGotDrunk.com. This is the second post in an 8-part series called "Bartending 101." Enjoy!

I love men.  I love your one-track minds, how you yearn for the power of the remote, and how you talk about sports like we discuss “Real Housewives.”   But the one thing I will never understand is how you guys worship James Bond. 

It’s the beginning of another class when Betty waits for everyone to settle in, and then very dramatically and bluntly she announces, “James Bond is a pussy.”  There is a collective gasp that fills the room.

I, of course, don’t really have an opinion on Mr. Double-Oh-Seven. Not like I hate the guy, I just don’t have much information to go on.  The only James Bond imagery I’ve seen is when it’s spoofed in an Austin Powers movie. 

But the men in my class go ballistic.  There are hurt expressions and many protests…one dude puts his hand to his heart as if he’s experiencing chest-pains. “What??” one guy finally whispers.

“James Bond is a pussy,” Betty repeats.  She looks around the room, knowing the blasphemy she’s committed.  And then she tells us why.

No real martini should ever be shaken.  

Betty explains that when making a martini, you put ice in your mixing tin.  Then you add an eighth of an ounce of dry vermouth.  Next is the most important ingredient of all.  The vodka.  In the tin you pour one and three-fourths ounces of it.  And only the classiest of martini drinkers want the best vodka.  (She suggests Grey Goose or Belvedere as an example of a top-shelf brand.)

“Now here’s the tricky part,” Betty says, with great suspense.  I glance around the room; the guys are expecting another slam against their idol.  “If you shake the tin holding that quality vodka, the ice will melt with it, bruising your martini.”

Instead you’re supposed to take a bar spoon and stir it gently.  Gently!  Don’t want to bruise the martini.  Yes, a real martini should never be shaken.  Always stirred.

“James Bond is a pussy,” Betty concludes, “because he wants the ice to melt in his martini.  He likes it watered-down and weak.”

Wow.  Harsh.  

I’m learning that being a bartender is critically judging people’s choice of  cocktail.  I don’t know if I can do that.  I always tell the bartender “I’ll have a Vodka Collins - with the cheapest stuff you’ve got.”  Guess I still have a lot to learn.

By the way...tonight's drill time: 10 minutes, 25 seconds

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