Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Booze Quest: The Vodka Collins

My co-worker Tess is going to perform in a comedy show, so I decide on the Vodka Collins for the night.  I go with two of my male co-workers Thomas and Jim and we find a table near the stage.  "Oh great," Jim says.  "We're definitely going to get heckled up front." 

Drink #1: The waitress brings me my Vodka Collins and asks if that's what my second drink will be, to comply with their two-drink minimum.  "Yes, but -" I start, but she's already walking away.  I don't know why I had to order it right at that moment, but I shrug it off.

The first comic comes on stage and he's average.  He tells a lot of jokes about his own race - which I guess is better than making fun of someone else's.  I personally don't care what they talk about as long as it's funny.   Just like Jim predicted he starts in on me sitting in between two guys.  "What's this?" he asks, gesturing to us.  "You on Elimi-date?  You doing foreplay for a three-way?" and there's mild laughter. 

Drink# 2: The waitress brings me my second compliant drink, and just as she's leaning in to tell me my total, the comedian says to her, "Hey, you make a better barn door than a window." I'm now glad she brought me the second drink already, because this is going to be a long night.  Finally he finishes to docile applause, and I try to remain positive that the next one will be better.  I order another drink.

Drink# 3: Unfortunately the next comic isn't that good either.  "Who chose to spell the word dyslexia? Let’s make the word really hard to spell for the people who have trouble reading and spelling."  I'm so bored that I don't know if I can make it until Tess comes on.  But then Thomas orders another round for everyone and I feel like I can make it.  

Drink #4:  With a new Vodka Collins in hand, I listen as the comedian is going on and on.  Finally Thomas leans in and mutters, "Why doesn't this guy go back to his job at the 76 station?" and for some reason this makes me laugh really loud.  So loud that the comedian has stopped talking and is looking right at me.  "You're not even paying attention," he tells me.  

"That's because this guy is funnier than you," I say.  The comedian throws Thomas a dirty look and then glares at me.  Then - to everyone's surprise - he throws his microphone down and stomps offstage.  Everybody around me starts clapping so I join in, and the MC comes onstage and looks furtively in to the crowd.  Jim is laughing so hard he's promised to buy me my next drink.  "That's the funniest shit I've seen all night," he says to me, as the waitress brings another.

Drink #5: Three more comedians walk onstage and do their bit, but each avoids eye contact with our table.  I'm surprised because when a comedian calls you out, you expect him to be prepared for someone who talks back.  Oh well.  I decide to focus on my Vodka Collins.  The drink is very fizzy, and I find myself staring at the bubbles until Tess's turn.  

Tess finally comes on and does really well.  She's by far the funniest comedian of the night, although that's not saying much compared to the others.  Afterward, we all go outside to congratulate her, and I make sure Thomas and Jim walk me to my taxi so that I'm not assaulted by a bunch of angry comics.

Final total: 5 drinks

Major after effects: Hardly any effect at all, as I remained pretty sobered-up by bad stand-up comedy.  Either that or the bartender was watering down the drinks, which would explain the abundance of bubbles.

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