Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Bartending 101: Don't F%$& With the Bartender

Today in class we learn about basic customer service.  What I really learn is...

Don't F%$& with the Bartender

There are a lot of ways to make a bartender do "tricks" when you order.  But beware: bartenders are taught to get even.  If you ask for a Cuba Libre NFL-style*, expect a watered-down drink and a lot less attention.

After Betty talks to us about how the customer is always right and good service means good tips blah blah blah, she talks about ways bartenders can mess with the customers when they're pissing you off.

She starts by showing us how to make it look like you are pouring heavy when you're actually not pouring much at all.  All the bartender has to do is put their finger over the pour hole and touch the tip to the glass.  It looks like alcohol is coming out of the bottle, when it's just the glass image distorted through the ice.

She also tells us there are ways that bartenders can make customers look stupid.  If you order a tequila shot and the bartender asks "You want training wheels with that?" you should say yes, despite how lame it sounds.  Training wheels on a tequila shot means your bartender will put a lick of salt on the rim of the shooter and garnish it with a lime.  This way you don't have to sprinkle salt on your wrist and make a mess.  (It's also called a Mexican Call Girl.)  However many people who are asked this question reply no, not knowing that it's a pretty cool way to take a shot of tequila.  (Unless you are desiring a body shot...then you would not want training wheels, or you'd miss the whole experience.)

Just remember that the bartender knows what is going in your drink, and can always find a way to embarrass you if you're being a jerk.  And besides, if a customer is really annoying, we as bartenders always reserve the right to refuse service.  Not only that, we have the right to throw your drunk ass out the door. 

However, by the time class has ended I decide that - given my current financial situation - I will do just about anything for a good tip.  Give me a 20 and I'll do your stupid bar trick.  You want a Show-Me Martini**?  You got it, kid.

Tonight's drill time: 7 minutes, 9 seconds - all drinks done right.  Yee-ha.

*A Cubra Libre is a rum and coke with a lime-juiced rim and a lime squeeze garnish.  And NFL means "No Fucking Lime."  So asking for a "Cubra Libre NFL-style" is asshole-speak for a plain ol' rum and coke.

**Asking for a "Show-Me Martini" will get the bartender to show you a bottle of vermouth instead of pouring it into the mixing tin.  

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